drop it like a bomb.

clawing @ 2008-07-17T12:36:00

2008-07-17T17:02:12Z

everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't.

I never have the drive to share anything inside me.
Not here, not with those who give me their affections.
I'm red lining.

I just found out that the 220 hours that I've put into my internship this summer may not allow me to progress towards getting my degree, due to my lack of getting certain paperwork in on time, ALTHOUGH THIS IS COMPLETELY CONTRARY TO WHAT I WAS INFORMED OF AT THE VERY START OF MY SUMMER.

That means the blood letting from leading this 'adult' lifestyle of suits, rush hour traffic, pushing away positive experiences and influences in my life in pursuit of keeping my head down as been all for naught.

I don't want any advice. I know now, what this means. If I fail in fighting this decision on part of my academic advisor, this chapter of my life will simply restart. No moving out of my parent's house. No getting more hours to earn more money to earn the proper amount to make a move from the God forsaken high school lifestyle of living in a well-to-do suburb of Boston.

I hope I have the fight in me to press on.
Everything inside me is screaming.

If anything, I guess the next year will show what I'm made of -- see if I have the strength, adaptability, and the layers of armor to weather this constantly growing onslaught of the feeble, maladjusted, desperate hands that seem to forever pull at the hems of my very character, seeking to have me drown in this tainted, defiled city. To drown in the shallows of self absorbtion right along with them in the stagnant pools of a city I once proudly called home.

The only element which offers any soothing to the infected wounds I mentally bare are those that I am lucky enough to call my friends. Yet the tight knots which bind that circle to me are beginning to unravel with more and more people leaving Reading / Massachusetts behind to take the next step into the oncoming scenes in their own movies.

Sometimes I feel like I'm only an extra, and I can't find the proper motivation for my scene, so I'm time and time again directed by "Once more, with feeling." I haven't escaped the confines of this poorly produced production for the past two years, and it may be that my contact may bind me for another year.

Swells of emotion have been rocking my weathered shores as of late. They're beginning to extinguish the lanterns which once brightly shined in the enveloping darkness of the unfamiliar pathways in my mind. I suppose my anxiety stems from the fact that with the diminishing warm glow of familiarity, I'll begin to lead myself in circles in the dark, never really finding peace.

The past five years of my life happened upon me as quickly as I tripped into the rabbit hole of college life and my early twenties. With lurking cheshire grins at every turn, I take a breath, and push on, no matter what the cost.

I'm no fucking quitter, as much as my inner demons insist.

If you read this, you matter to me. Don't ever question that.
This is just the intermission of a very hectic summer.
I don't want inquiries, concerns, or mentions of this entry.
If I feel the need to have at your lifeboats, I'll signal my flare.

I'll never get any good at swimming if I bow out now, no matter how chilled these waters.

Good day. I've got to get into contact with every major paper in Massachusetts and then compile some databases.

Cheers. Abuse some substance in my honor.

clawing @ 2008-05-09T15:22:00

2008-05-09T19:23:17Z

i graduate college tomorrow. fancy that.
rant on this to come.

clawing @ 2008-03-28T11:43:00

2008-03-28T15:58:28Z

everyone's in it for themselves.
long forgotten are personal checks of one's good nature and chivalry.

---

judging by the behavior on this campus as well as in this city, my take on
the apparent mentality is as follows;

if you have a chance to fill the tragic emptiness you feel on a daily basis with the personal and physical attention of the opposite sex, their identity is of no consequence. so what if they dated one of your best friends? so what if your previous lover was always uneasy with that individual being around you? it's none of their business anyway! you can love, fuck, cuddle, text message, instant message, fawn over, fantasize about, be taken with, gush over anyone you want. after all, you deserve it after all you have to put up with in your busy, busy life, right? right.

if someone has a problem with you, then they just don't understand you. you're not selfish, you're just lonesome. they're the selfish ones, right? right. and who are they to care about who you're seeing? you can see anyone you want. it's not YOUR fault if their close friend likes you. it's not YOUR fault if your close friend's ex likes you. they must have done something wrong anyway, and don't deserve them. you're a saint, and you do. everything happens for a reason, right? right.

after all, they didn't have your wonderful taste in music / fashion sense / sense of humor / bank account / affinity for sweet talking, so you rightfully won. besides, after all the trash talking you've done to heighten your standing and lower your competition, regardless of if there was any truth to it, has paid off! you put hard work into getting where you are today, and no one should question that, nor your motive, nor voice an opinion about your actions, lest you have to begin a campaign on their reputation too. you're just being proactive, afterall, right? right.

---

oh, boston. you're a breeding ground for shameless self involvement, rabid selfishness, and a dog eat dog mentality. as each day goes by i become more disenchanted with this city, this school, and 3/4 of the people encompassed by the two. and you wonder why i love it here so much.

clawing @ 2008-03-27T22:18:00

2008-03-28T02:23:08Z

'quinn's a shitty friend, he never hangs out.'
'quinn doesn't care about me anymore. i haven't seen him in insert over exaggerated amount of time here
'do you even want to hang out, quinn?'
'you never have time for me.'

i'm attempting to graduate from college.
i have more riding on this one outcome than i ever have had with anything.
i apologize for my ghost like status. i'm trying my best to be a good little student.

if you are of the school of thought that these are 'just excuses' or that i'm a 'bad friend' or that i'm 'avoiding you' in particular for some reason, maybe that i 'don't care about you anymore,' or constantly tell everyone how 'i won't make time for you' then you yourself are a bad friend, and the two words i have for you, i say with the utmost contempt.

get fucked.

clawing @ 2008-01-14T22:03:00

2008-01-15T03:04:30Z

recycling thoughts and emotions for the past week.
who keeps pushing rewind?

clawing @ 2008-01-01T19:47:00

2008-01-02T00:50:19Z

here's to you, two thousand seven.
you were a year of infantile hopes, frustration, learning, broken hearts, and broken bones.

I hated you alot.
but alas, you were a learning experience.
and now I know, and I will take that knowledge and make 2008 a year of personal victories.

thank you.
you've done more than you know.

clawing @ 2007-12-07T11:55:00

2007-12-07T16:59:32Z

more and more i find that i am beginning to drown in recycled plot points that life in boston and the general new england area have to offer.

in five months i'll have to make decision which will impact the rest of my life.
something really needs to come along and impress / surprise me.

clawing @ 2007-11-22T05:27:00

2007-11-22T10:28:11Z

sometimes i feel completely lost at sea.
but now i know i'm only at the starting line.
i miss the past everyday.
fuck.

clawing @ 2007-11-14T00:53:00

2007-11-14T05:55:05Z

pete's entry really hit me.
'waste of potential.'

i just realized how perfectly that's starting to define me.
what the fuck am i doing? with anything?
the icicles in my stomach are starting to grow, as i'm coming to the realization of how lost i really am.

clawing @ 2007-09-15T14:49:00

2007-09-15T18:53:34Z

i had the courage of a lion when my little candle was burning bright as day.
but now, she flickers. sometimes she lights, and other times, her warming fire is nowhere to be found, with no explanation.

icy night begins again, to numb and suffocate me. with the lack of contact of even a few days, it feels as though I've fallen back to sleep into my bad dreams of inconsistency and feverish anxiousness. waking up had felt amazing.

i just really hope it's just a phase, and it'll be back to normal before i know it.

clawing @ 2007-09-13T01:39:00

2007-09-13T06:11:53Z

i am fortune's fool.

clawing @ 2007-08-18T15:49:00

2007-08-18T19:51:14Z

i don't know what to do.
so i'm going to jump into the metaphoric traffic with my eyes closed,
and hope for a crossing guard.

clawing @ 2007-08-15T10:11:00

2007-08-15T14:13:28Z

tonight was amazing from start to finish.
we even capped it off with a long overdue visit to chase's.
it was incredible to see / catch up with everyone.
hopefully i'll see more of my boston rooted friends as the summer closes & the school year starts.
here's hoping for a september - november up to par with last year's.

clawing @ 2007-08-13T16:35:00

2007-08-13T20:35:34Z

i'm 22 in 10 days.
shudder

clawing @ 2007-08-06T22:48:00

2007-08-07T02:49:06Z

i want to understand everything that's going on around me.
ignorance is far from bliss.

clawing @ 2007-07-23T06:18:00

2007-07-23T10:20:19Z

i'm more than apprehensive.
i hope to god i can shake this character flaw.

clawing @ 2007-06-22T20:35:00

2007-06-23T00:37:01Z

i miss the innocence of being a child.

when summer days meant playing chrono trigger, swimming at the town pool outside the high school, and playing soccer, manhunt, and army until the wee hours.

clawing @ 2007-06-16T19:42:00

2007-06-16T23:42:59Z

i'm having way more fun in the suburbs with pete, jayj, and brian than i'd ever have living in the city for the summer.

you kids are missing out.

clawing @ 2007-06-08T02:30:00

2007-06-08T06:31:38Z

explosions in the sky play their strings through my heart.
best thing in existence.

clawing @ 2007-05-11T13:29:00

2007-05-11T17:30:28Z

there's nothing quite like being hammered at your house with your mom trying to show you trail mix and snacks she bought for you to take on your road trip, when all you can do is uncontrollably say 'oh my fucking god,' and 'ohhhhh shittttt'.

how am i alive right now?

clawing @ 2007-05-08T10:23:00

2007-05-08T14:30:46Z

best morning in a long time.
i got off the train at north station this morning a bit early and decided to walk to school, through the public gardens, the common, government center, and so on. it was amazing.

today's the last of the last days. this campus is quickly being evacuated into a shell.
everyone's packing up and heading out.
and so ends my fourth year at emmanuel college.
the class of 2007 is graduating come saturday.

i remember our accepted students day, where we all sat beneath a '2007' banner.
for someone not even thinking he could get into a college, sitting beneat that banner
meant the absolute world to me. i was part of something huge. something meaningful.
through my time here at emmanuel, i have learned alot more about all things meaningful
whether it be love, loss, friendship, or family. i have found some amazing family since
september 2003. i am one of the class of 2007 no longer, despite how excited i used to
get at the james bond reference within. if i hold my grades together, i'll be
graduating may 2008, and receiving my degree august of 2008.

everything is riding on one grade.
who knew it'd come to this.

clawing @ 2007-05-07T02:16:00

2007-05-07T06:19:31Z

shinfo:

five hour energy drink is fucking ridiculous.
i don't even feel like a real person right now.
scott's critiquing my final essay.
i'm terrified it won't be good enough, i won't get a B in American Voices, I won't make 2.0, and I'll get dismissed from Emmanuel.

Living like a rock star has a downside, I'm learning.
Shaking digits and darting eyes can't move swiftly enough right now.
I'm sick of this rollercoaster, and I want some stability, something to rely on in my life.
...as opposed to relying on the fact that I keep ending up in these late night early morning stare-down-the-gun matches.

clawing @ 2007-05-06T15:03:00

2007-05-06T19:08:54Z

last night was epic!
it was so nice to have a bit of a reunion with all the kids i started emmanuel with
and while a few of us fell behind and aren't quite graduating just yet
i wish nothing but the best for those who are.

i can't believe four years has gone by. it seems like two years at most when i wandered into the loretto lounge to find a stranger knitting at 2am, or a stranger sitting on the steps of the administration building strumming an acoustic guitar at some ungodly hour of the morning. those two strangers ended up being christine and pete. who woulda guessed?

beers, jack daniels, and a long night of reminiscing about our freshman year.
fuck. i want to stop getting older.

clawing @ 2007-04-26T11:58:00

2007-04-26T16:04:22Z

THERE IS HOPE.

I'm going to fight to keep you alive this time, hope.
I won't stay buried, no matter how many times I'm thrown under the earth.

I can graduate. I will graduate. I will get an apartment. I will get a job.
I will be a real person. I will take care of myself. I want to take care of myself.
I will not give up.
I cannot give up.

clawing @ 2007-04-24T09:32:00

2007-04-24T13:34:17Z

ALL MY PLANES ARE FALLING FROM THE SKY.

my father isn't going to pay for my tuition anymore.
i'm scurrying around attempting to make right.
it's not good enough. it's never good enough.

in other news, i need to find an apartment, since the next step
is most likely me getting kicked out and my parents moving to parts unknown.

abandoned again. history fucking repeats itself. learn this and you'll be wise beyond your years. when i was little i thought it was 'beyond your ears.'

what does everyone know about taking out loans?
do you always need a cosigner?
do you go through the school or through a bank?
how much can you take out, and when does it have to be paid back by?
what sort of interest is there? i.e., you take out 10,000 and have to pay back 50,000 or something.